| its been least a yr and a half |
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| 07:29am 05/10/2007 |
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i haven't looked at my lj in least a 1 1/2 years. seeing the people who still write in this.. wow
thats all. |
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| here in my arms... |
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| 11:54am 25/07/2005 |
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mood:  anxious music: slipknot - wait n bleed
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well lets see... yesturday i was waken up by harley only to get kicked out of his house. i had no clue what he was talking about or what he ment. n now that im pretty sure i have an idea, it wont matter because he hates my guts! its the most retarded thing ive ever heard of in my life. a fucking background picture thats not even mine its his. if ur that ashmed of it then fucking change it dont take it out on me. wow! fuck'n eh. so i then packed n called ians mom. she came n got me n i left. i explained i had no idea why i was leaving so she didnt bother asking, which was good cuz i really hate listening to her bitch...
so we got back to ians. i talked to mike n he tried to calm me down, which i must thank him for! after talking with him i called ryan. just to make sure we were still on for monday. ryan told me about his mom, he found her, n found out what she was doing. that he wants to go n commit a stupid act upon her. then i told him to hold off, he asked me why i said so i can see ya tommrow... n he said why i said because we made plans r u kidding?! n he said oh i figured u woulda gotten over me by now. i said ive tried to...(this is kinda where i have to say..jim was right alicia was wrong...) n ry told me hes tring to see sumone else.
ok so now ive waken up really cranky, got kicked out, so im not happy, then get my heart broken... not my day. so i called mike back n told him what happened to me n he told me it was a phase, to call him when i get out of work n we'd chill for a bit. so i did just that then on my walk back to ians... i stopped at mike's (ians brother in laws)
he took me to a+ then we went to collaso taco. then i took a trip to cheektawaga with mike to his brothers house. i had fun then. i was relaxed more than i was all day. i was so happy to see everyone.
so after a few hours couple drinks, we went home, n i walked back to ians went online, then passed out. then i woke up to zorro like always. i can still smell the rose hukea that i had last night. its crazy! it was so good too! i cant wait til tommrow!! woot woot! WARPED TOUR hell yeah! |
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| so excited |
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| 03:18pm 22/07/2005 |
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mood:  excited
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NJ was fun i enjoyed the ride. i seen a lot of things i woulda never dreamed of seeing like..NYC i seen the brooklen bridge, gorgous! i seent he city at night so all i could see were the buildings all lit up. it was so pretty, i luved it. i wish i coulda taken a pic. but i have pic's of the ride there n back. jena n i stopped at the NJ border n took pics of us next to the sign. i made friends with a few truckers. their awsome! then went to the motel. jena's friends seemed like nice guys. i wasnt into them all that much. i was more innerested in the city than anything. i just wanted to sit outside n watch everyone go by. n as i did i missed home. i thought of what itd be like being lost everyday. scares me. the traffic was so busy, n everyone seemed so mad! it was crazyness! well i have work 5-9 tonight so i must get a move on! monday i go to see ryan,im so excited! then tuesday is warped tour! whoop whoop~ |
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| My heart is in Ohio... |
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| 01:07pm 10/07/2005 |
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so i worked last night n i work today at 2-10
that shift is going to suck!
i have my grad party this friday if anyone feels like
going its at veterans park in tonawanda starts at noon.
im doing rather well. i need a ride to warped tour.
one thats going to be there before it starts.
so im not late, cuz i apparently have no way there
n the fact its on a tuesday dosnt help much.
i dunno tho, im nto asking ian's brother in law
only because hes not reliable.which kind sucks cuz
he wanted to go too. i duno... if anyone has any sugguestions lemme kno. |
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| 03:23am 05/07/2005 |
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mood:  drunk
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happy 4th i hope everyone had a good one i know i did. harley thanx for spending it with me. ngb thanx for the shindig.
collen thanx for the ride home. jack n tracie i hope 2 both feel better u 2 certainly r lookign good in my book. ball i hope ur feelin okay doky too. im done i have work at sum point tommrow n im a lil trashed at the moment so im goan hit the sack night every one! ::focker out!:: |
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| call it what u want... |
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| 11:20am 03/07/2005 |
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i cant discribe all the emotions im going through and all the things i wish i could do and could have done. and if i had the pwoer to do things to see some sort of light in my life i would wave my wand and make happyness to everyone. but im not that kinda person although i wish i was. i hate the person ive become and wonder where ive gone wrong if ive gone wrong at all... i dont feel ready to be on my own. this is tough love, i feel im the only one who can be my stregnth to keep myself going.i hate being alone, i need cookies and more kool-aid. |
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| 05:58pm 29/06/2005 |
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mood:  loved
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last night i closed at bk and it was the best close ever least it sure felt that way. then i went n got changed and steve o. drove me over to harleys n we stayed up til about 8 am this morning then fell asleep. i want to go out n see a movie tonoght like a drive in or sumthing cuz i havent been able to get out n do stuff lately. |
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| hold my hand |
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| 05:42am 28/06/2005 |
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mood: loved
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i feel so good right now. like really... almost as if i dont have to worry about half as many things as i figured i woulda. wow! yay. ok im going to bed n thats all i have to say. night! |
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| graduation party |
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| 11:14pm 24/06/2005 |
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she did it...
 so
go to the grad party on friday july 15th located at vetrans park in
tonawanda off niagara street by the high school. starts at noon be
prepared to get soaked! leave some spare change. |
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| venting |
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| 06:26am 22/06/2005 |
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mood:  tired music: chevelle (the red-stuck in my head)
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weeks without sleep
wondering whats next.
bloodshot eyes,
running on empty
no food could please.
no words could heal,
the wound the bleeds,
from things so real.
sicker you are
the worse it gets.
but its not lifes game
because death isnt the end.
for when your gone
your pain lives on.
the people who care
live day in and out
but you take the drug
no care, no doubt.
how are you feeling?
better or worse?
to know that your doing,
feels like a curse.
you know the distance
never really mattered,
because the love is whats real
and all that counts.
just one who cares
can always amount.
helpless,
im too far away.
n i can hope you will listen
to all i can say.
but words are all that you'll hear
although its not me to decide
for its your life
only you know if
you are alive. |
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| bk |
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| 01:32am 22/06/2005 |
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we close dining room at 9pm yay |
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| you will never belong to me |
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| 01:25pm 21/06/2005 |
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mood:  crushed music: chevelle - the red
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so i awoke from the couch this morning to barking dogs jumping on my legs and one licking the snots out of my nose. after wakeing up i called jena we made plans to go to media play last night. she came n got me n as i went in to grab my purse her work called her in. wow she was steemed. ne who i dont blame her a day off should be just that a day off. n its nice out. i feel bad for her. ne who, i went n got my chevelle - wonder what's next cd.its good stuff. so jena n i listened to them all the way home n she just left to go home. im at ians watching pat n jim put a new pool liner in. the weirdest ppl i know. ne who im gona go. im going to find sumthing to do n occupy myself. i wonder what cassie's doing?
dear god my heart bleeds with a lot of pain...
it feels like a sponge getting rung out of all its love and lust it could ever contain. |
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| 03:18am 21/06/2005 |
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why is it that i can look back n miss things so badly n think so many things that could be done or said. n then during the day not do crap about it. ok im finally tired for the night. i need rest i overslept today and didnt get to work ontime so i need to get to bed tonight go to media play n then i duno do sumthing with my life. night. |
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| later on |
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| 01:14am 20/06/2005 |
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so ive come to realize i havent been venting in the form of a journal lately.. its been more on people..(ryan more than anything)
so ive decided its time for me to go back to my journals because although they might not work for some people. it helps me in my everyday life. somehow... so i guess im practiclly a fulltimer at the BK joint. yippi? not exactly thrilled but its better than no job. i move on at the end of this week and yes... i am homeless thank you thank you... plz hold ur appluse... if sumone dosnt mind me staying on their couch a few nights here or there its greatly appreciated! so far mark n cassie have been nice enough to let me stay at their place. along with a few others thank u. tonight i went to harvey and chris's house. chris kid was there. we played halo and harley/harvey whichever it may be found tetris for me n i kicked his ass! i kicked everyones ass at tetris except um i didnt catch his name but he beat me once n i wanted a rematch n i whooped his ass! im so good. that or im just full of myself... thats probably it there im full of it. the guys came into my work with packets of kool-aid for me ahh i luv them their so awsome! yay! i luv kool-aid so much! it made me happy really! ive been so tired lately, i cant sleep well... as u may have noticed it is 1:30 in the am. n i have work at 11am how exciting! i wish that harley n chris would bring me sum more kool-aid those guys really cheer me up. lol they bought me a sub too. so sweet :-) maybe they just like seeing me smile? im not sure... although hanging out with them did get my mind off other things. n then when i get alone it gives me time to think about the other things... n i end up not so happy. i remember when it was decemember n i was so extatic everyday. id be one big ball of joy with a smile wraaped around my face. so excited to be alive, now im just a big ball of misery, waiting to explode with the point from a needle. ive tried my best and i suppose its all i can do for now. what gets me is people still call me sunshine... n i really wish they didnt. hurts my feelings n they think itd enlighten them. yesturday my manager told me i was a keeper n i almost cried. jermey is right though i really need to find sumthing else to do with my time. that way im not so depressed, hanging out with chris n harley seemed to do the trick n i dont think they mind me being around. they seem to like wearing my glasses. |
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| 07:46pm 24/05/2005 |
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mood: discontent
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i want out of my bubble |
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| my teeth hurt |
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| 06:25pm 24/05/2005 |
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mood:  annoyed music: depeche mode - enojoy the silence
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well im gona update about my wonderful time this weekend since it seems like the thing to do...
friday i ran around trying to get things together after the awsome assembly the 1st graders put on for us! whoop whoop to them they rock!
i got home from that n ryan broke up with me (big argument it sucked yada yada yada ... i ended up talking to my friend jermey who got me to talk to ryna n we ended up going back out n going to the prom )
so jermey drove ryan back to his place where ryan realized he forgot his tie so he borrowed one
then they picked my flowers up n went to jacks n along the way picked up a hanky for his "pocket"
in the meantime lost the tie jermey gave him to borrow.
then jack finally got home from school so then jack n ryan got ready n came to get me!
of coruse i was basicly ready around 2:30 i got picked up n jack started making this "prom tape" for my mom since she was at work the whole time n missed it... (kinda made me sad)
then we got to jacks n took pictures.
crazy pat n kira showed u with wendy dog and we took pictures in the back yard. i ended up going with -chelsea r-jack f-justine h- cortney b-nick v-tracie p- and of coruse ryan n myself...
i asked to go to mighty taco n they made us PROM BBQ BEEF and PROM BURRITOS!it dosnt get much better than that1 i wana know who else got a prom buritto n bbq beef! no one cuz we rock!
got to samules grand mannor and the food was undercooked we walked around outside looking at everyones dresses n suites... everyone looked out of this world! by the end of that ryan's boutiner took a complete shit n fell to pieces! oh i was furious... couldnt bleieve i wasted money on that.
as well as my corsage roses and gutiarpics fell apart/off. i wasnt a happy camper!
i managed to fix that up a bit and got ryan n we took our pictures n i hope they dont come out looking shitty. ill be so upset if they do. although my pictures with the disposeable camera i had came out amazing!
it was time for the garter ceremony and ry had no clue what was going on... as the guy a few tables over is pulling his g/f's off with his teeth... to be honest i wish he woulda done that... instead i sat there like a lump on a log waiting.
finally he cought on n took it off.
we started danceing n ryan sat at the table watching everyone which didnt please me too much. i really wish i could turn back time fix things, in such ways so ry knew what was going on n what not n id a had a better night but it wasnt completely his fault n yes i had a good time for some of the time. though it could have been better. i wish there was a way to make it up... to go n fix things. blah! well im one with this pos cuz i hate typing n i cant stand writing about my pathedic life. later
ry i <3 u no matter what happened |
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| ill never say goodbye for you will always be with me.... |
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| 08:51pm 17/05/2005 |
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mood: melancholy music: i can only imagine
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wow im not sure what to say. um ive been pretty upset, its hard to say
goodbye. but i support allison and sean's families. "thru thick n
thin..." im happy they changed the colors of prom in respect for
allison. although i just wish she could be able to go to prom n
graduation. i cried when i heard this song...
( mercy me - i can only imagine )
although if i had to send a song out to allison this would say it all.
( sugarcult - memory )
i am irritated with all who have looked down upon sean and allison... and thats all i have to say
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| 05:13pm 07/05/2005 |
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1) First Name Spelled Backwards: aicila
2) Middle Name Spelled Backwards: eiram
3) Last Name Spelled Backwards: kooc
4) Your Half-Birthday: aug 12
5) What type of milk do you drink?: whole
6) What is the most sentimental thing you own?: picture of me n my mom at her first wedding
7) Have any imaginary friends?: no
8 ) When was the last time you brushed your teeth?: this morning
9) Do you listen to Christmas music in July?: NO
10) What is the first thing that comes to mind when I say January?:ick
11) May?: rain
12) November?: thanxgiving yay
13) July?: fireworks
14) April?: snow
15) February?: birthday
16) October?: halloween!
17) August?: aww summers gone
18) March?: cold rain
19) December?: cold
20) June?: sunny n still cold
21) September?: school
21) What color is your blanket?:white n brown (its got a tiger on it)
22) What was the last movie you bought?: (non rental) supertroopers n office space (it was package deal)
23) Last CD you bought?: homegrown
24) What radio station do you listen to?: 102the edge
25) Are you the only child, oldest child, middle child, or youngest child?:oldest
26) If you do have brother(s) or sister(s) put them in alphabetical order, including yourself: alicia, brian, christopher
27) Do you have anything on your bedroom walls? posters of blink182, pics of friends, cookie monster, sum other band pics, n a collage
28 ) How many windows in your home?: 1
29) How many pairs of shoes do you own?: 2 flip-flops, 6 convserse, 2 etnies, 2 slippers
30) What's the weirdest song title you've ever heard of?: suck my left one
31) Whats the worst movie you've ever seen?: center stage
32) Whats the worst CD you've ever listened to?: shania twain
33) What US State would you NEVER want to visit?: north dakota
34) What country would you NEVER want to visit?: one where war is going on
35) What is your least favorite color?: tan
36) What is your favorite flavor Fanta (the soda)?: ive only had orange
37) Do you have any scars?: yes bigesst ones on my knees
38 ) Do you know anybody in the Army, Navy, Marines, or any other group?: yes
39) What color goes good with Blue?: green
40) Green?: yellow
41) Grey?: pink
42) Orange?: yellow
43) Red?: black
44) Yellow?: brown
45) Purple?: orange
46) What is your favorite character in 'Harry Potter'?:nvr read it
47) 'Lord Of The Rings'?: smegil
48 ) 'Grease'?: i duno
49) Have you ever seen 'Life Is Beautiful'?: no
50) What about 'Monsters Inc.'?: sulley
51) Do you like Scooby Doo?: no
52) Describe your perfect place to live (imaginary or not): cali
53) Does your back hurt?: sumtimes
54) Do you collect anything?: gutiar pics
55) Have you ever been to camp?: no
56) Do you have a car? nope, i dont even have a permit.
57) If you don't have a car, would you name it? yes
58 ) What is your perfect car?: id like a cadilac...but a sporty one
59) What family member are you closest to?: mom, chris, brian (in order)
60) What family member do you wish you were closer to?: none
61) Do you consider pets as family?: yes!!
62) Do you look at a calander daily?: yep
63) What is your least favorite holiday?:christmas
64) Do you like getting air-mail?: i love it.
65) Would you ever go on a cruise?: no
66) How many phones do you have in your home?: none
67) Do you own or wear a watch?: own yes wear no
68 ) Do you wear any jewelry? If so what do you wear?: 2anklets, 1 necklace, no bracelets, 2 left earrings one right one nipple ring
69) Where do you wish you were right now?: near water
70) With whom?: ryan cassie n mark
71) Doing what?: skipping rocks
72) Have you ever had a sepia photo taken of you?:a wha?
73) What is your least favorite WB movie?: dotn have ne
74) Do you own any hats? Is yes, what kinds?: a few, i like my black fuzzy one most
75) Do you own anything that is older then you?: i have no idea..money
76) How many hours of sleep did you get last night?: 10
78) Have you ever won a ribbon?: swimming
79) Do you save old birthday/christmas/whatever cards given to you?: some yes
81) Ever been to Disneyland?: if thats in florida yes
82) Ever been to Universal Studios?: no
83) Ever seen the cockpit of an airplane?: ya
84) Ever made a movie?: been in one but its only home made
85) Geometry or Algebra?: neatheir
86) Poems or Short Stories?: kid poems
87) AIM or MSN?: AIM
88 ) MSN or Yahoo?: msn
89) AIM or Yahoo?: AIM
90) Windows or MAC?: windows
91) What is your least favorite number?: 1
92) What was the last thing you said?: uhh
93) What are you sitting on?: chair
94) Have you been outside today?: yes
95) What have you done today?: lax game, tanning, clean room, eat, go to kiras, gone to pats.
96) Do you like apple or orange juice?: orange
97) Do you like cats or dogs more?: both
98) What is your most favorite reptile?: garden snake cuz their tiny n cant hurt me
99) Would you rather fish or hunt ?: neither. i hate both
100) Are you sleepy?: no |
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| 04:54pm 07/05/2005 |
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mood:  bored music: chimes in the backyard
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well i have been thinking about this for a long time... and id really like to move to cali yea yea i kno its not everything its cracked up to be but id like to go n i know i can always move back but im also thinking about just going to see my cuzion too. i duno i want to go around n see things before i feel its too late but i wana stay here with ryan as well. n i feel i have this decision to make but then again i wish ry could just come along with me. i just think hes not gona like it or hes going to think its sumthing more n get disapointed. i want to go on a road trip out west ive never been out there n i want to see things for myself. ::sighs:: i dont want to go alone but i dont want sumone whos gona spoil it for me to come along too. i dont know where im going to live in july eatheir i dont want to live alone and i dont want to move far away, i dont want a roommate... but if i lived not too far away n i had a car i wouldnt mind cuz then i could drive. but my mom is moving n i duno where to. i feel awful like i am doing sumthing wrong. i duno so far a lot of ppl dont like the idea of me moving. but i hate the cold n i wouldnt move far far away till i was out of college. i duno... i cant make up my mind on what i want but i know i need a car n i wont have one by next january and i know im never going to be driving any time soon because my mom dosnt like the idea of it at all least thats the impression that i get. she wont get me a liceanse or permit. i told her im not doing it alone so she needs to help me then she agrees on sumthing n goes back on it when i get the guts. like she thinks im gona cave in n do it alone shes funny im already paying for my own car. i cant pay for insurance alone i asked to be on hers she said no. so if i drive im drving without insurance. i cant stand it. then when i brought the topic up with ryan he told em that we would get a truck together and i wouldnt need to worry about it. i duno i think it made me worry more lol.well im done complaining... though i still want to move out west. |
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| 04:45pm 07/05/2005 |
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mood:  antzy
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i cant think straight i have to poo... |
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pflavredpoptart's journal